Susan Penwarden

Susan Penwarden is clearly headed for an episode of Ricki Lake: Grandmoms at 25. Played by Tiffany-from-Eastenders, aka Martine McCutcheon, she is around thirty and has two late teenaged children.

She is "old Cornwall" and speaks with a strong cockney accent.

Susan had some sort of affair with Jason Donovan many years ago, presumably in his pre-drugs Stock Aitken & Waterman good old days when everyone had Smash Hits posters of him up pinned up in their bedrooms. But for some reason she ended up with Evil Hugo Speer, probably because he had more money and better wheels than Jason's orange combi van. Despite the money, Susan's clothes appear to come from one of those shops - generally located next to downmarket supermarkets - called "Mode Fashion" or "Fashion Boutique" that sell anything but. Mind you this is Cornwall. The only knickers on sale in Falmouth Marks & Spencers are the up-to-the-chin down-to-the-knees bloomer contraptions that people's grandmothers wore early last century.

So no wonder that Susan spends much of her time sitting at her dressing table making anguished expressions in the mirror, walking on the beach in her wretched Oxfam rejects looking anguished, and having anguished conversations with Jason Donovan. They managed to kiss just a couple of episodes in - a distinctly flaccid event.

Susan's newbestfriend is an awful author called Angela, who spends her time delving into Susan's secrets and marital unhappiness while flirting with Jason Donovan herself. Angela will probably attempt to bed Susan's son once she finds out he is Jason Donovan's lovechild.

Echo Beach 105 review

Well that was something of a shock - it turns out that geek-boy Charlie is Mike Baldwin's grandson. Did anyone else spot this in an earlier episode? What a revelation, that the two of the most least interesting characters are related.

Other that that, more glorious tears from failed-Lolita failed-manslaughteress Grace, racked with guilt after trying to flame-broil her idol. Father Mark suggests fleeing to Spain. The UK and Spain actually re-ratified their extradition treaty in 1985 and European arrest warrants came into force in 2004, but no matter. Perhaps Mark is planning to hide out on the set of Eldorado? The perfect camouflage, surely, for any ropey soap actor.



Adding to the Single White Female plotline theory, awful author Angela is trying to flirt with Jason Donovan. It comes across more as menacing than alluring. Bear in mind that Angela already knows that her newbestfriend Susan Penwarden still carries a torch for Jason: "the eyes... they never lie." So Angela is clearly up to something demonic. She has another good digging and stirring session later on with Susan over Susan's marriage.

There is a lot of dreary hospital bedside action going on in this episode. The starring role is taken by Susan Penwarden's hair. Why does she have so much hair, and why does it hang down over her entire body like outsize spaniel ears, or a glossier version of Cousin It's hair cloak? Could it not be pinned up into a nice neat frumpy bun or something, to at least help us with the illusion that she wasn't Cornwall's youngest ever pre-teen mum.

Some of the cringiest, dreariest dialogue ever between whiny-voiced Narinder and geek-boy Charlie. Why oh why couldn't these two have been gently blown up in last week's convenient caravan explosion?

Jimmy finally asks Helen Lederer's daughter out. Given that this is no longer 1991 and Echo Beach airs on ITV not the prudish Beeb, does that mean we will actually see this relationship develop? Unlike Glen and Lucy Robinson who ended up on the cutting room floor rather than beamed into UK homes.

Brae needs a haircut. He also needs to spend less time weeping in the arms of Jason Donovan. You can already hear the slash-fic writers sharpening their nibs.

And there's more hideous anti-chemistry between Susan Penwarden and Jason Donovan. Even some tawdrily sentimental music strumming up can't emulsify this coupling.

Tabloid exposure for Echo Beach

Stories like this - Martine is Echo Beach diva - The Sun - are great, because they are generating vital hype about Echo Beach. The more real life behind-the-scenes drama and tension, the more people will be tempted to watch:

STROPPY Martine McCutcheon has made waves on the set of my new favourite TV trash treat Echo Beach with an outrageous diva moment.

Celebrity snapper Nicky Johnston travelled hundreds of miles to do a publicity shoot with the ITV1 surfing soap’s cast on location in Cornwall.

But it had to be cancelled when ex-EastEnder Martine, 31, right, who plays Susan, refused to leave her caravan because it was too COLD. Our source says: “Everyone else was there waiting.”

Martine’s diva reputation has been sent up in TV comedy drama Moving Wallpaper, which is about the making of Echo Beach.

What we'll probably start to see more of soon is profiles on the young female actresses. And by profiles is meant scantily clad underwear photoshoots for the nation's favourite "family newspapers" such as The Sun and The Mirror, as well as the seedier men's "lifestyle" magazines. It may be that some of the young cast are initially disinclined to go the lad's-mag-slag route, but we'll see. Expect some former high school boyfriends and girlfriends to get dredged up to tell us all about their wondrous first loves.

A second series?

This sounds promising, Martine McCutcheon is "thrilled" with Echo Beach:

Martine McCutcheon has declared that she is delighted with the reception of her new TV show, Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach.

Speaking at the South Bank Show Awards, she said: "I'm really thrilled and I know that ITV are really happy with it.

"Apparently they're really happy with the audience that they've reached which is a younger audience. I think they're just waiting for it to go from strength to strength hopefully."

In the soap Echo Beach, Martine plays housewife Susan Penwarden and the actress revealed she can't wait to go back to film more.

"We just all want to film together again because we absolutely genuinely got on like a house on fire in Cornwall," she said."

Does this mean a probable second series?

Echo Beach 104 review

Did anyone else sit through this episode with an increasing sense of terror about the prospect of Jason Donovan's pallid buttocks shining in the Polnarren moonlight?

Thanks to god and/or the scriptwriters, they stayed covered up. Anyone who ever did science GCSE and remembers the bitter disappointment when their friend manages a rainbow mushroom cloud, but their acids and things don't react properly and just sit limply in a test tube, will relate to the chemistry demonstrated here:




When it comes to contemporary drama, sitcoms and YouTube, the question often arises: "is this supposed to be funny?" This is an absolutely pointless question. Either something is funny or it isn't, it doesn't matter whether it was supposed to be. And this was an episode filled with rivers of tears and torrents of laughter. Tears of teen angst flood from the eyesockets of wannabe-Lolita Grace as she fails to seduce the male Hollyoaks caravan-dweller in a turquoise bra and transparent gold top. Laughter roars forth from us at her plight.

Grace: a clue. There's almost certainly a reason he looks like a gay Damon Albarn. We know he's not Damon Albarn, so add up your two plus two and make the thirteen-and-and-half that everyone else's SoapPlot caculator has managed to compute.

Because there don't currently appear to be any gay characters in Polnarren. We know Jason Donovan isn't gay. We definitely know that Jason Donovan isn't gay. Jason Donovan's son looks gay, but appears to be lusting after the female caravan-dweller. The dark-haired geek friend of Susan's son may as well be gay, but isn't (yet). Susie Amy looks the likeliest bet, in a Single White Female psycho-killer sort of a way.




Yay! Now that's a mushroom cloud.

Critics' reviews - 27th Jan 2008

AA Gill, The Times:

And Echo Beach is just about Corn-wall and kids – who gives a toss about them? It’s like a cross between Hollyoaks and Eldorado, on the set from Crossroads. My guess is that everyone will get fed up with the joke and bin it, or maybe they’ll bin Echo Beach and keep Moving Wallpaper as a sitcom about a soap that doesn’t exist.

Echo Beach 103 review

What is Susan Penwarden/Tiffany-from-Eastenders/Martine McCutcheon doing at the end of episode three? Is she uncovering a grave or digging for buried treasure? Or is she trying to face Mecca? Someone suggested her and Jason's dead baby is buried there, which would be gruesome but rather disappointing. After all, Jason is blond and Susan's son is blond and two plus two always makes about seventeen in soap terms.

Either way this was a woefully dull episode. There were far too many drawn out teen dating shenanigans. That's what drove Neighbours and Home & Away downhill, when the animals took over the farm and kitchen sink melodrama was cast aside in favour of teen-soap. We need adult action featuring Mike Baldwin and Mrs McCluskey. Only not actual adult action, if you get my drift. Hugo Speers and half (or all) of the Hollyoaks couple might be a likelier start for that.

Many critics have commented on Jason Donovan's woeful British accent ("the bizarre clipped upper-class tones of a Second World War pilot"). Here's a clip:




Competing for most excruciating moment this week are two choice performances. The first is Helen Lederer's daughter's laugh:


Truly this is gruesome. It's obviously supposed to be gruesome, but it's gruesome gruesome. It also doesn't help that her accent is even more painful than Gwyneth Paltrow's in Sliding Doors. And just how did Jason Donovan make enough cash to send her to Roedean? Maybe his conveniently dead wife was a Duchess.


Susie Amy's attempt at being Miss Marple is the second contender. Susie Amy already has a terrifying, stalker-like character with apparent designs on Susan Penwarden. She's also writing what sounds like the worst romance since Dame Sally Markham transcribed the Bible.



Since the very first hammy caveman invented the concept of drama, has a line ever been delivered in such a sinister tone? It makes Hannibal Lecter sound like the Care Bears.