Susan Penwarden

Susan Penwarden is clearly headed for an episode of Ricki Lake: Grandmoms at 25. Played by Tiffany-from-Eastenders, aka Martine McCutcheon, she is around thirty and has two late teenaged children.

She is "old Cornwall" and speaks with a strong cockney accent.

Susan had some sort of affair with Jason Donovan many years ago, presumably in his pre-drugs Stock Aitken & Waterman good old days when everyone had Smash Hits posters of him up pinned up in their bedrooms. But for some reason she ended up with Evil Hugo Speer, probably because he had more money and better wheels than Jason's orange combi van. Despite the money, Susan's clothes appear to come from one of those shops - generally located next to downmarket supermarkets - called "Mode Fashion" or "Fashion Boutique" that sell anything but. Mind you this is Cornwall. The only knickers on sale in Falmouth Marks & Spencers are the up-to-the-chin down-to-the-knees bloomer contraptions that people's grandmothers wore early last century.

So no wonder that Susan spends much of her time sitting at her dressing table making anguished expressions in the mirror, walking on the beach in her wretched Oxfam rejects looking anguished, and having anguished conversations with Jason Donovan. They managed to kiss just a couple of episodes in - a distinctly flaccid event.

Susan's newbestfriend is an awful author called Angela, who spends her time delving into Susan's secrets and marital unhappiness while flirting with Jason Donovan herself. Angela will probably attempt to bed Susan's son once she finds out he is Jason Donovan's lovechild.