What is Susan Penwarden/Tiffany-from-Eastenders/Martine McCutcheon doing at the end of episode three? Is she uncovering a grave or digging for buried treasure? Or is she trying to face Mecca? Someone suggested her and Jason's dead baby is buried there, which would be gruesome but rather disappointing. After all, Jason is blond and Susan's son is blond and two plus two always makes about seventeen in soap terms.
Either way this was a woefully dull episode. There were far too many drawn out teen dating shenanigans. That's what drove Neighbours and Home & Away downhill, when the animals took over the farm and kitchen sink melodrama was cast aside in favour of teen-soap. We need adult action featuring Mike Baldwin and Mrs McCluskey. Only not actual adult action, if you get my drift. Hugo Speers and half (or all) of the Hollyoaks couple might be a likelier start for that.
Many critics have commented on Jason Donovan's woeful British accent ("the bizarre clipped upper-class tones of a Second World War pilot"). Here's a clip:
Competing for most excruciating moment this week are two choice performances. The first is Helen Lederer's daughter's laugh:
Truly this is gruesome. It's obviously supposed to be gruesome, but it's gruesome gruesome. It also doesn't help that her accent is even more painful than Gwyneth Paltrow's in Sliding Doors. And just how did Jason Donovan make enough cash to send her to Roedean? Maybe his conveniently dead wife was a Duchess.
Susie Amy's attempt at being Miss Marple is the second contender. Susie Amy already has a terrifying, stalker-like character with apparent designs on Susan Penwarden. She's also writing what sounds like the worst romance since Dame Sally Markham transcribed the Bible.
Since the very first hammy caveman invented the concept of drama, has a line ever been delivered in such a sinister tone? It makes Hannibal Lecter sound like the Care Bears.
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